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Taking Charge of Yourself!

Picture of sunset, Cotswolds, England March 2005

Picture of sunset, Cotswolds, England March 2005

Being a victim of any type of abuse we come out of it with fear and we scattered brain and we often are the ones who feel like we are crazy and insane. I have news for you that I am just now being given the spirit of courage and bravery and since I have been working through my issues with my abuse I have been cleaning out the cob webs out of my mind for sanity to set in. I know that it is scary to go up against your predators and it can be quite paralysing only if you choose to let it. Recently I have discovered that I am the one who has the power and I am in the drivers seat and that I am going through the process of me taking charge of my own life!

By taking charge of my life I have to not have the spirit of fear, but of power and of love towards myself and have a sound mind. All of this is easier said then done and it all sounds good in theory, but how do I know that the theories are right if I dont take the initiative and push the envelope for myself? I can not nor will I let the overwhelming fear or the brainwashing dictate my life anymore then it already has. You know today is a new day to try something new and get out of my comfort zone and by doing that I am giving myself permission to open up and be at peace and serenity with myself with a sound mind!

In order to change the perpetual pattern of acting like a victim different actions are a requirement and just think of it as a huge stepping stone to get where you yourself want to be in your life in whatever area. Today I refuse to keep my predators satisfied and to live under their false conceptions that they have drilled in my head. So I say garbage in and garbage out!

Karlyn Kay Miller
July 29,2015

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Tearful Daughter Of a Abusive Mother

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I have never really come out and publicly mentioned my mother and the complexity that there was between us in a sick and twisted and very painful way. As I have been more then willing to talk about my abusive paedophile father and his minions at how they took turns sexually abusing me. For some reason that is alot easier for me to rant and rave and feel anger and rage over them. This is my very first time that I am publicly coming out about my relationship with my mother. I will tell you that our relationship has always been really strained and competitive and she was also one of my abusers as well.

There are alot of different types of abuse but I got the emotional, verbal, mental, physical abuse. She always made me feel less then a female and she would demean me and she would look down upon me like I was her handicapped child that never was going to amount to a hill of beans. She was a special education teacher and she would treat me differently from both of my siblings when they were alive. It was as if she was really disgusted that I was even around. I grew up being a sex toy for anyone to play with.

My father would call “family meetings” and those family meetings was consisted of sexual abuse and my mother would abuse my brother in that way and then it was my turn and she would be real competitive about our sexual interactions. She also was jealous because I got alot of attention from the men and other women in the child porn ring and she couldnt stand it. It was as if she viewed me as her competition.

I was starving for females attention because I was not getting it from my Mother except being constant demeaned and starved as a young girl so I would remain thin. I was in massive confusion and later I grew a inferiority complex within myself because she made me feel less of a female. When I got older that was a real confusing area. For me I would always compare other females to how I looked and dressed and weighed.

What is really the topping on the cake was that I never really felt like I could get along with other girls that were my age and yet I had these feelings for them and attraction to them physically. That was a real confusing state to be in. I always saw women or other girls like me as competition and now I know today that I projected on to those females what my own mother taught me of competition and inferiority. My teen age years were even worse for I was not around my mother after age fourteen years old.

I looked up to other older prostitutes to feel that role that I never had and the older prostitutes were just like my mother because the younger a female is in that business the more money they get from their customers and the older ones did not like that. I worked what was called the circuit and I was trafficked all over America and into Canada and Mexico as well. I still longed for that mother and daughter relationship and I never found it.For me I believe that I am a lesbian because I like bonding with women more then men and women are more of a comfortable feeling for me and I feel that I missed out on the female bonding thing as a child and young girl.

Men scare me to really no end and I feel that I am in danger with them and I feel like such a slut with them. Women are more emotional and I never had the first female figure in my life be emotional towards me but cut throat. Mom, I want to tell you that I have cried a whole lot of tears over you and I am done crying over you because you hurt me and there is nothing that can replace what I missed out on as a young child, but I am here to really learn what a real woman is and how she is supposed to act and dress like. I am learning that. Because of your mannerisms towards me I never got taught that from you but to be a competitive and a downright slut and a disgrace. I have suffered enough from you and now I am learning more how to act like a feminine woman with some grace and dignity and integrity with some class.

Karlyn Kay Miller
July 28,2015

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

The Steps To Take Shutting The Door….

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In life we may sometimes experience tragic things that has happened to us such as a relative dying, miscarriages, abortions, domestic violence or some sort of sexual abuse or we may have come against financial problems. In dealing with such trials and adversities in our lives, we sometimes turn to things that arent healthy and self -damaging for our lives, to the point it becomes serious and then we are off and running with no will power or self control.

We turn to drugs, alcohol, sex and food and eating disorders as anorexic or bulimic or over eating, or we turn to other addictions that arent healthy for us and they will eventually take away one’s grace, dignity, integrity and self respect for ourselvess and others.

The number one step first and before and foremost that we admit that of and by ourselves and left p to our own devices we are the ones that end up causing our own problems for after all we are the problems of our own making! They arise out of ourselves and the addicted person is an extreme example of self – will run riot even though they dont think so.

To shut the door on our unhealthy addictions and behaviours, we must realize that of and by ourselves we are opening the doors up to alot worse. Recovery is just a beginning of us getting well, but recovery leads into self discovery, with discovering who we truly are I will say there is a whole lot of swallowing our pride and egos and tons of self searching and levelling of our pride and confession of short comings which the process requires for successful consummation.
When we have done that we neither regret our past nor wish to shut the door upon it instead we use our past to best serve others and help them progress in their recovery!

Many of us exclaimed “what an order! I cannot go through with it.” DO not be discouraged for no one has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to Godly principles. We are not saints! The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines we claim spiritual progress rather then spiritual perfection.

There are three pertinent ideas: (A) We were broken hearted and could not manage our own lives.(B) No human power can fix us (C) That God can and will if he is sought!

Self discovery is part of accepting and getting in touch with your inner most being and you are too special of a child of God to never forget where you came from, but most importantly where you came from, but most importantly where you are going in the right here and now and the future, not to stay in the past and go on ward with your life as a special and loving sons and daughters of a living God.

For God is the answer to our past and present and future problems!You can not alter your past but you can bring your past to let God alter the future!!!

Karlyn Kay Miller
JUly 28,2015

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

There Is A Time And A Season For Everything

3 - Four seasons

There is a time and a place for everything and seasons come and seasons go. I have found this true in my life. There was a time in my life where things were really stormy for many years of my life, but now the stormy and blizzard is over in my life and this season of my life is bringing the authentic true self that I am and my life is turning colours like fall does and the darkness and the atrocities of life is dying and I can see some brightness and colours in my life and I will tell you I do not regret my past nor wish to shut the door on it but I chose to start to be placed of neutrality and when I am bothered I recoil from the stormy and many days of blizzard conditions!

I will say that there was a reason for all that happened in my life and there is a reason that I am still alive, but the time has come to where I can let the dark and ugly colours be filed away and it is time for a whole new chapter and season in my life and get familiar with new and pretty and shiny colours to enter in. In closing I have a prayer that I say every morning and it goes like this:

“My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you, to my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen”

Karlyn Kay Miller

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

A Letter to Myself

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Dear Karlyn,
You have lived such a horrific life and against all of the odds stacked up against you you have survived the unthinkable. You have also been through literal hell and back and you have made it through the scariest and darkest trenches known to man. Karlyn, You are a survivor but being a survivor is not a enough because you dont want to just exist, but you want to live and that you are doing. You are doing so remarkably well for yourself. You have overcame hard core drug addiction and gotten out of prostitution and furthered your education and became a drug addictions counsellor for a season and now you are pursuing becoming higher up in your field. You are also married to the love of your life and you also repaired the damage that was between you and your son. You also suffer from a handicap as autism but you dont let that get you down you keep on going and trying regardless. You have turned your will and life over to the care of Heavenly Father who resides over us all and you are true to yourself and you do take time to better yourself by admitting that all is or has not been well in Zion but that does not keep you from reaching out to others or others reaching out to you. You may not feel like you are loved but you are loved and you are a valuable person. All I can say is love yourself and to thine own self be true. You married a wonderful woman and she has a wonderful family that does love you and has opened their arms to you that I now release you from the horrible experiences of your past and your family and it is high time to let your abusers and predators go. Forgive yourself for what you need to forgive yourself for and move on, but I want to be done and rid you of the memories and the horrible previous life,because you are simply not there anymore in fact along ways a way from that and you have moved forward and continue to move forward! As You move forward in your growth and development your nightmares and flashbacks will lessen and one day they will be a faded memory.Go on and love you and your wife and the things that matter to you now!

Karlyn Kay Miller
July 26,2015

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

The Ideology Of Fundlementalism

Screen shot 2010-05-17 at 6.57.58 PM

Fundamentalism is a form of religion especially when it comes to protestant Christianity and they uphold a strict belief in interpretation of the Bible and the scriptures that are in it. I find something wrong with that whole way of thinking because people are relying upon their own faulty interpretations of scriptures and they are not allowing the promptings of the Spirit to tell them what the scripture really does mean from the eyes of God. Fundamentalism has caused more problems and it has boosted the ego of a system of believing in the absolute and the very dogmatic way of thinking of black and white.

Fundamentalism is a way to dictate and to control one’s mind to the point where the person who lives that way has total blinders on because of the extreme black and white thinking and there is no in between so they live based upon policies and proceeders that are not correct nor true. Often times protestant christians think that they are living by God’s fundamentals when they are indeed so way off track and way off of the mark.

Two most dangerous things are ideology and fundamentalism because those two do not allow a person to think for themselves because those two main things have programmed ones mind to have blinders on their eyes to where they cannot see the forest from the trees. People that are coming out of living by ideology and fundamentalism have had the fear of God put into them until they are fearful because they now have their minds back and they are getting in touch with who they are and what they know to be true for themselves not because someone else has dictated them how to feel or what to think or how to act.

Karlyn Kay Miller
July 25, 2015

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 

Ideology In Conservatism

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Conservatism upholds traditional attitudes and values and is cautious about change and it is in direct correlation to religion and politics. There is a whole lot of people who fall victims of Conservatism and the indoctrination of that way of thinking. Conservatives often hide behind their religion to marginalize and dehumanize and to judge others. When someone marginalizes they stand on the sidelines to judge and bash others and they cut people off that have other opinions or view points that does not match their system of beliefs.

Conservatives usually upholds religious beliefs to the extreme of causing unwarranted hatred towards others that are different from themselves such as minorities and homosexuals or others with a different way of believing in God and then wars break out in the name of God. Conservationism is a way to brainwash and program other people so is not the ideology of conservatism a ungodly movement by men who are indoctrinated in a dogmatic way of thinking? For after all God gave us a brain to use and he expects us to use it!

Karlyn Kay Miller
July 24, 2015

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2015 in Uncategorized

 
 
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